Meeting Grace for the first time
From the look on Grace’s face in the pictures her orphanage
had already sent us, we could see a beautiful little wisp of a girl looking
back. She didn’t exactly have a look of
joy on her face in those pictures though.
It was more the look of a little one used to keeping her emotions
inside, looking like she was part sad, part happy. So, here the three of us stood, waiting to meet
Grace. Suddenly, she marched in across
the room from us followed by her nannies.
She paused to look in our direction, then turned, and kept going to the
other room. At first look, Grace seemed
larger than her pictures, and the look of determination and grit on her face
told us her personality might be a little larger than we had expected as well.
Sophia and I stretched out our hands to welcome Grace as she
came back into the room a short time later.
Deidra, our own personal paparazzi, stood a little off and snapped photo
after photo of our first meeting. You
can see in the pictures a little girl whose eyes are wary, whose personality is
strong and trying to take charge in a frightening time, and a little one who is
competent in her answers to her nannies and to our guide as they talked her
through this first meeting with her new mom and sister. We saw a determined, intelligent, strong
little girl at first meeting. The orphanage
staff who had brought her to us said at parting, “She is very stubborn.” Then they left. Ha!
That parting comment should have clued us into what the next few days, weeks,
and months of life with Grace would be like.
Grace's first plane ride as we began our journey home
As soon as we returned to our hotel room and our guide
left, life with Grace took on a larger than life appearance. While skyping with her new daddy and
brothers, Grace started her first meltdown with us. Our sons went back to bed as Kevin stayed on
the skype long into his wee hours of the morning, watching the scene in our
hotel room unfold, praying and talking us through it. How can I describe that time in China? From the moment Grace came into our hotel
room, throughout the rest of our stay in China, she was frantic, terrified
beyond reason, and so very difficult to handle.
In those few moments Kevin witnessed her first
meltdown. She had been jumping on the
bed behind me as I talked to Kevin so I calmly went over and helped her
sit down. She immediately became enraged,
trying to bite, kick, scratch and rage at me.
That strong and determined young lady we had first met was gone. It was heart wrenching to witness. This very damaged, terrified little girl
remained. She had meltdown after
meltdown the rest of the trip, throwing herself down on the any surface, trying
to bang her head on anything she could find, screaming, writhing, biting,
kicking, etc. John, Sophia, Deidra,
(Kevin and our boys across the world), and I constantly had to problem solve
from every angle. Just eating breakfast,
lunch, and dinner out, walking down a street, and especially being in
governmental offices were fraught with trauma for Grace and for us. We, and loved ones back home, constantly
prayed, and with God’s provisions, traveled safely back home at the end of our
time in China.
First picture as a family of 7 taken right
as we got off of the plane after a long
and exhausting journey home
Grace was our fourth child to be brought home, and I am
forever grateful that she was not our first adoption because if she had been,
we might not have Philip, Elijah, and Sophia home. Our first year with her has been that rough. We have learned a truth about adoption, and
it is this. Even though you want to be
home with every fiber of your being while in-country with your new child, the
really, really difficult work begins once home.
And, it was the case with Grace.
Even though our time in China was way out of everyone’s comfort zone,
Grace’s entry into family life was so much more difficult than any of us could
fathom.
Kevin and I could stop the tantrums and Grace throwing
herself down when she became frightened and enraged. We could stop the biting, kicking, and acting
outrageously in front of others, but we couldn’t stop the effect of a lifetime
of trauma we didn’t cause. That has been
a long and arduous journey for our entire family.
Sitting with her daddy on a sunny spring day
I think that many adoptive families would agree that
bringing home a child with such a history of trauma, as most of our children we
adopt have in their backgrounds, brings out things you didn’t even know about
yourself. Some of those things are
positive such as the opening of our hearts and eyes to the plight of orphans
everywhere, learning to love a child from that kind of difficult background,
and the joy that is in our being when our new child succeeds in something. There is great joy in seeing Grace suddenly
understand what being in a family is or seeing the wonder in her face when she
gains a new skill. There is such
sweetness in sitting and rocking her, pressing our faces to her hair, taking in
her smells and the feel of her sitting there.
There is such a goodness to adoption, and we know without a doubt that
God’s fingerprints are all over our journey to Grace.
Our little ones at the zoo last spring
There is another side of us we learn about that is not so
nice. It is the darkness our hearts can
hold in the negative feelings and in our actions of those first few
months. It is the impatience that we
show our new child because we are at the end of our rope, dealing with issues
we didn’t even know we had or issues we thought we had already worked out in
the past. It is the inability to like
and sometimes love this child God has brought and needing to daily call out to
Jesus to help give us His eyes and heart to really, truly be the parents and
siblings Grace needs us to be. There is
the immense guilt when we fail, which we do daily, and there is the sadness
that comes from seeing your family’s life turned upside down as our new child
struggles to heal.
All four of our littles last Easter
But through it all, we are seeing slow and steady
progress. Just when we think we can’t
possibly manage Grace’s challenges, God brings help. I am a homeschooling mama. Sophia, Philip, and Elijah thrive in being
home-educated, getting individual attention, loving the curriculum, and growing
with other kids in our co-op. But Grace
. . . homeschooling just wasn’t’ the right fit.
We tried it for many long and difficult months. Her needs are so great. She needs speech, ot, pt, academics, and
social skills in a structured setting. Grace
now attends Kevin’s school and is so blessed to have a loving, caring special
education staff to help with her special needs.
We are seeing great progress in her ability to better cope with life and
also in her ability to be a loving member of our family. Praising God for this huge blessing and that
our family, friends, and teachers are willing to come alongside us to help
Grace heal.
First day of her new special education class
back in October
Our church has been wonderful in helping place her where she
needs to be instead of by age level as well.
Grace still is homeschooled one day a week as she goes with us to our
co-op school. Everyone there is so understanding of her needs, making her
feel welcome in everything we do on that day. And of course, our family,
friends, and our community love her dearly and provide tremendous support to Grace and to us.
We have had the prayers and support of so
many during this last year. Some friends of our friends even prayed over her one day a few months ago over skype which was the most amazing thing. Grace's tough times are caused by so many issues, but greatest among them is the spiritual battle that we often felt when she would revert back into her orphanage behaviors. That one prayer encounter from strangers has helped our Grace so very much. God seemed to reach down and begin to heal her little spirit that day.
Waiting for a new little friend to come home
from China at the airport on Christmas Eve
The support from others includes
doctors, too, as we steadily address Grace’s medical needs. The funny thing is that the medical issues
Grace has with her Sturge Weber syndrome are not the issues we struggle with!
Sharing a giggle with her grandmother (Gram)
during the holidays
At this time, Grace’s seizures are controlled allowing her
to have the laser surgery she needs to treat her facial birthmark. She has tolerated those treatments well. She will be getting a leg brace soon to help
her walk and run easier. When Grace
first came home, it was evident her physical strength and coordination was
lacking. Through many happy and long
hours of playing, swimming, walking, and running with us, she is gaining in
strength and stamina.
As I write this, I can hear her playing happily with her
siblings in the family room. That is a
huge step forward. Grace didn’t have the
ability to play with others at first, especially her little brother
Elijah. Instead she would bully others
or ignore them altogether. This was very
hard on our children who were home first as they struggled to find a happy
balance with Grace. We are seeing her
play well and imaginatively with her siblings and other kids more often now. That makes us happy! It makes her siblings happy, too!
All my littles helping me celebrate my birthday
in November
Something else that makes Kevin and me very happy is that Grace
is beginning to respond better to positive reinforcement and loving touches and
gestures from us. It is very easy for
Grace to snuggle up to a stranger or to someone who isn’t her immediate
family. She definitely came home with
indiscriminate stranger affection, but snuggling up to her mommy and daddy was
something she struggled with. We are the
ones who are closest to her, invading her sense of security and space, setting
limits, guiding and directing her. She
resented that for the longest time and would deliberately seek out our negative
attention. Kevin and I have always been
united on rearing our children and very consistent. Now Grace is beginning to thrive under our
parenting instead of resenting it.
Grace with Teddy/Claire (as she calls them both)
taken last spring
Another blessing Grace has in her life is her big brother
Ted and his fiancé Claire. Claire came
into our family’s life about the same time Grace came home. Claire has seen our extremely difficult
transition with Grace, and she is marvelous with her and our family. Ted is so understanding of Grace’s abilities
and needs, and together Ted and Claire love our little ones so much.
Gracie 11 days out from her second laser surgery!
Look at her beautiful smile! I just took this
picture tonight. See our Amazing Grace emerging!
Overall, we are far from those first traumatic days, weeks,
and months with Grace. Life in
transition with her still has its ups and downs much like a roller
coaster. However, we are seeing much
more positive times, loving, and sweet times, too! On Grace’s first Gotcha Day, we celebrate her
with love and affection in our hearts.
We are coming through a long and dark tunnel into light and beauty with
our Grace. The song “Amazing Grace” was
kind of her theme song, and we quote it often.
She was lost and now found, and in a very profound way, we were lost but
now found in our journey with her.
Amazing Grace – she really, really is! We love you Grace Chengmei so very much!
